How to Keep Your Electronic Devices from Randomly Exploding
How to Keep Your Electronic Devices from Randomly Exploding
Normal Island News
After Israel launched it’s audacious terror attack in Lebanon, our media class giggled as stories came back of men being emasculated and nurses losing their fingers and children being left without eyeballs.
As the death toll reached thirty-seven, Zionists on social media kept asking their enemies if they have their pagers on them now. It all seemed like good-natured fun until we realised it was not only pagers that were exploding, it was walkie talkies and laptops and mobile phones and scooters and even frigging solar panels.
Israel has turned everything into a bomb, and while you might think you’re safe if you’re not an enemy of Israel, you are forgetting how easy it is to become an enemy of Israel.
For example, Sir Keir Starmer has supported every psychotic action Israel has taken since October 7th, even the policies that forced Palestinians to drink from puddles, but when he suspended 30 of 350 arms licences to appease the International Criminal Court, he was accused by Netanyahu of “undermining Israel”.
Earlier this year, Joe Biden was called “Hamas” because he was pretending Rafah would be a red line for him, even though he had no red lines. He was simply trying to save himself from an arrest warrant and now he’s got a personal phone handler because he’s too scared to answer calls. That call handler is certainly braver than I am!
Jeremy Corbyn has been on an Israeli hit list for years and all he said was the Israeli government are a bunch of brutal c@&#! who won’t stop murdering Palestinians and stealing their land. The fatal mistake Corbyn made was telling the truth about Israel. You must NEVER tell the truth about Israel!
Luckily for Corbyn, he never uses a laptop and he still uses one of those phones that you dial by sticking your fingers into the holes. Everyone over the age of 60 will know what I mean. Corbyn might be safe for now, but any politician with a smart phone could be in serious trouble.
It’s not just politicians who are finding this a minefield, the BBC has spent a year playing down every Israeli war crime, only for Israel to publish a fake report pretending the BBC supports Hamas. The BBC’s fatal mistake was that it sometimes pretends to be balanced and Israel has absolutely no time for balance.
Sensibly, Jeremy Bowen is calling Israel’s terror attack in Lebanon a “tactical triumph” because the alternative would mean giving up his devices and he really likes TikTok. It can be so fucking addictive.
It’s fair to say I’m the only journalist in the world who has never upset Israel and that’s because I’m impartial enough to repeat Israel’s propaganda verbatim. It’s physically impossible for an Israeli to read one of my articles without nodding along to every word. This means my phone will never randomly explode and rip my arm off, but you lot aren’t so safe.
Here is where I can help you out: Netanyahu has kindly offered to spare you from the risk of exploding devices, but only if you behave. He has helpfully asked me to pass on the following message:
In order to prevent your electronic device from randomly exploding like a pager in Beirut, you are legally obliged to copy and paste this message to all of your social media accounts. You have until 1st October 2024 to comply:
I fully support the actions of Israel, no matter what stupid shit it does next. Netanyahu is a war hero, not a war criminal. The International Criminal Court must be disbanded and all of its judges must be arrested for trying to apply the law to Israel. International law is only for countries we don’t like. Israel has a right to commit genocide and anyone who disagrees is a terrorist lover.
Follow these simple instructions and there is at least a 70% chance you will be safe. You see how easy it is to do the right thing?
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FELICES
FELICES HOW TO KEEP YOUR ELECTRONIC DEVICES FROM